Break Me Down
by Elizabeth Anne19
Summary: Axel gets home from a shift later then he thought he would because his job is just a little demanding at the moment. But what awaits him for when he gets home is something he cannot and doesn't want to face alone.
1. Chapter 1

**Break Me Down**

Axel let out a content sigh as he got out of the pet shop, it was almost twelve o'clock at night and he'd stayed late to assist the veterinarian with a difficult surgery that took two sets of steady hands. Luckily almost fifteen years of experience on the violin and seven working in an animal adoption centre and hospital made him qualified for both. He knew his day was going to be a harsh one, though the most special in his life.

He was anxious to get back home to his blonde fiancé, their four year anniversary was just around the corner and he couldn't wait to lay beside the other in their bed and plot what to do while carting his fingers through the soft hair that was usually spiked around his head in every direction he saw fit at the time.

The red head jumped just outside his car as his phone went off in his back pocket, he hadn't had the sound turned off in so long he couldn't help but jump and grope himself Ashe tried to work the little devise out of his form fitting jeans. He held the phone up to rad the text and smile when he noticed it was from the blonde that had just been on his mind.

'Just got back, where are you?' Axel couldn't help but smile at the words, they'd been asked so many times over the years but he couldn't help but smile just thinking that they shared a house and Roxas was texting to find out why he wasn't in _their_ house, drinking /their/ beer or wine, waiting for _his lover_ to come _home_.

'There was a surgery, I'll be back soon. Driving time.' He didn't want the blonde to think he was driving already, knowing he would get a scolding for texting while behind the wheel. Pretty big talk for a guy who'd agreed to have sex in the front seat behind the wheel, they'd been pulled over on a country side road of course, but he'd still agreed.

Just thinking of the experience as he climbed into his car made Axel smile, there was no way he'd willingly sell the car. All the memories with the blonde in the front seat beside him, teaching him how to drive just after he'd gotten his full license and the blonde had been worried behind the wheel of a car of any kind. The small silver Saturn had more power then most cars, packed into a tiny little package that was real on gas and could stand up to the fastest street cars if the red head ever needed it. Then the was just thinking of the fact he'd spent so much time with Roxas inside its little cozy cab. He'd drive Roxas to school when they were in high school, then work, now collage and work.

Axel climbed into the front seat and smiled a bit, thinking about the reason he wAs still working in the animal hospital at 21 why he was in university learning animal biology and becoming a certified veterinarian. It had been a harsh week for the both of them when the red head had been 19 and nothing seemed to be looking up for the red head who was going to classes and playing his violin, nothing else.

_Axel had been working furiously there was a man who had been willing to give him a free ticket for the rest of his life so long as he prospered in the audition. One audition that would change his life. Axel had practiced and practiced and once the audition finally came, the man spent an entire hour telling Axel how he'd never amount to anything in the musical world because his talent was ordinary. Axel had begged and pleaded to be given a second chance, he asked the man for a request and five minutes to find sheet music and then he'd play it right there for him._

_But the man refused._

_It took two weeks for Roxas to get the red head out of bed to eat something that wasn't a granola bar stuffed into their nightstand. Roxas had begged and pleaded with the musician, asking him to wake up and look at him. Being in sever depression Axel just rolled over and went back to sleep._

_There was the occasional day that Axel would wake up and have a cigarette before putting the butt out on the inside of his forearm and he'd slip back under the covers to sleep some more. Or he would wake and go have a shower and spend an hour or two locked away where the blonde couldn't see what he did to himself._

_Roxas had done everything in his power for the red head at that point, he would come to bed even though it smelled like smoke and BO. He would give Axel good morning kisses and make the apartment nice if the red head decided that was going to be the day he'd surprise Roxas by getting out of bed. But every day when he got home from classes and work he'd find Axel laying in bed, maybe with an extra burn or two on the inside of his left forearm along the soft pale flesh._

_Just when the blonde was getting ready to give up on Axel, all hope of the red head ever feeling emotions ever again, he got home and Axel was out of bed. Roxas moved towards the bedroom and pulled back the covers to see no red head, fear clung at him however as the was no sound of water running in the shower and the apartment was empty. His first movement was made towards the living room with his phone, his feet carrying him back and forth in a quick pace._

_Roxas had dropped his phone once he heard the ringing in the bedroom, he rushed inside and looked under the bed; a place the red head had chosen to hide on more then one occasion. Only the phone was on the ground under the bed, like Axel had just gotten up and left. He rushed around the apartment panicking, his car had been in parking lot of the condominium complex. Changing his tactic the blonde grabbed up his phone again, he contact the authorities._

_Later when Roxas had been out in the red heads car searching the streets as all the red heads friends did the same in their cars or on their skateboards or bikes, their parents cars and just running wild around the streets of Twilight Town. Roxas received a call from Demyx around ten that night saying that he'd found Axel and was with him._

_It took the blonde five minutes to drive to the park by the red beds house from the other side of town. He rushed out of Axels car and ran over to the red head, sitting on the swing with his violin loosely on his shoulder and his bow moving over the strings pathetically. Demyx was standing off to the side of the swings, leaning against the metal frame with his arms crossed over his chest and his skateboard propped up against his leg._

_The tune Axel was playing was far too sad for Roxas not to have done what he did. Roxas trudged over to Axel and ripped the violin out of his grip, holding the neck in his tightly clenched fist. "Axel you asshole! I've been fucking worried sick about you! I've been looking for hours and all your doing is sitting in the fucken park on your violin?"_

_Roxas' chest was heaving as tears began to fall down his face. Demyx moved over and put his arm around the blonde comfortingly, Roxas pushed the others arm off his shoulder however and shook his head. "I don't want your comfort Dem! I want him to comfort me, I want him to be the one to tell me it'll be alright!" Axel turned his head up at the blonde, his eyes almost void of emotion. The young teen held his arm out to the red head so Axel could see the scars he'd used to kiss at night or when the blonde was down. "What happened to the Axel I fell in love with for loving me in my broken desolated state?! Where is Axel?"_

_Demyx let out a sigh, looking for the crying blonde to Axel, simply sitting on the swing aimlessly inspecting his bow and running his fingers over the horse hairs to remove the excesses of resin. He let out a sigh and ruffled Roxas' hair, knowing he hadn't been pushed away out of cruelty. "Need me to drive you guys back? Or are you alright?"_

_"I-I've got it. Thanks for finding him Dem. Can-can you let everyone know please?" Demyx nod his head and pressed a brotherly kiss to the top of the blondes head and gave him a half hug. The mullet wearing blonde gave his best friend a sad smile as he grabbed his skateboard up and began his quick trek home._

_Roxas had sat outside with Axel for hours having given his violin back and just listened to the red head pluck the strings until he finally raised it to play. Roxas smiled as he realized that it was a slower version of Viva la Vida and he began singing, remembering that time Roxas and him had sung in the park for a group of kids after a game of tag._

_By the end of the song Roxas had looked over at the red head and saw the kind, happy smile on his face. "Hey Rox." The blondes eyes went wide and rage filled him as Axel turned his head with a light smile on his face. "It's nice to hear your voice again."_

_"__**My voice**__?! You fucking asshole! I've talked to you every day, I've begged you to talk back and to wake up! I've fucking begged you to groan in annoyance and you did nothing! And suddenly just because I sing because I can't take your silence any longer you suddenly just think its fine to act like you haven't been talking or moving for a month?!" Axel just nod his head, looking down at his bow with a sight._

_"It uh, took me a while to get over it I guess. I'm sorry Rox-"_

_"Don't give me that shit Axel! I've waiting a month and now just sitting with you in the fucking park and singing brings it out of you? Roxas grabbed the red heads wrist and held it up, showing Axel his own wrist. "You hurt yourself Axel! You promised me you'd never do it again. It-it made me want to do it. You didn't care, so I-I figured I shouldn't either."_

_Axel looked from his wrist to the blonde and then let out a sigh, he grabbed Roxas' hand and pulled him onto his lap. There were no words he could to ease the blonde or quell the tears. They sat still for hours, Axel cradling the blonde in his arms seeking comfort as Roxas burrowed into his neck and clutched to his chest. Axel eventually slipped into the passengers seat of the car and allowed the blonde to drive him home, staying awake just long enough for Roxas to join him in a quick shower before he was pulled onto the couch to sleep._

Axel slipped out of his mental retrieve with a shake of his tied back red hair as he got his key into the ignition and brought the engine to growling life. A smile crossed his face, thinking about the happy blonde being at their home once again was a good feeling and he couldn't help but turn his music up a little and sing along during the forty-five minute drive home.

A block away from the condo, a single turn in the complex of condos away from his wonderfully shared home Axel slammed on the breaks as a man ran out in front of him. It was a Wednesday and he hadn't been expecting anyone to be around, Fridays and the weekends of course, but at eleven-thirty at night in the middle of the week it shocked him.

The male was wearing all black but his pale face struck Axel, bright brown eyes caught in his headlights like a deer as the red head swore and yelled at him to get off the road and to watch where he was fucking running. As soon as the man was out of the way Axel hit the gas and pulled into his parking spot.

The spot was designed for one car, but with Roxas having a small electric that took up a quarter of the spot and Axels compact car they both managed to fit. Their electricity bill was slightly higher then they'd been before the car was purchased, but Roxas didn't drive the car all the time; only when Axel couldn't drive him and he needed to get someplace that he couldn't walk,

Axel got out of his car and locked it up, skipping up to the front door with a whistle. He pushed his key into the lock and his eyes went fairly wide as the door pushed open, it had been unlocked on occasion, but never open to be pushed open. He slipped inside and closed the door behind him. "Hey Rox, you didn't close the door. Did you just get back from the store?" It was the only logical explanation.

There was a groaning from the first floor at the top of the stairs and the red head walked up the stairs two at a time, a huge smile on his face. "Sorry about that Roxas, I was helping with a-" his voice caught in his throat as he was kept at by the large grey cat he'd known since the blonde got him back in high school. His yes travelled around the room, worry covering his face as he saw the coffee table smashed on the floor and the glass mirrors all broken a vase shattered in the open entrance to the kitchen.

"Rox what the hell happened? Where are you?" There was another groan and Axel walked around the counter holding the sink to find the blonde laying on the floor crumpled.

Fear ripped at the red head as he saw Roxas laying down, holding his neck and leg while being covered in blood. Axels heart began pounding in his chest as he moved over and knelt down beside the blonde. "Shit Roxas, how long? What happened? Shit ambulance!" Axel pulled his phone out of his back pocket as he looked Roxas over. He put his hand on the bleeding thigh as he crushed his phone between his shoulder and jaw.

Tears were streaming down Roxas' face as Axel pressed down on an artery on the inside junction of his leg and hip to stop the blood from getting to the deep cut.

"Hello, 911 operator what's you-"

"My boyfriend has been stabbed several times during a break in. He's twenty roughly 110lbs bleeding heavily- I can't member his blood type. I need an ambulance right away. The address is apartment 813 Sandlot street Twilight Town."

"Do you require police as well sir?"

"No, I'll deal with the break in later. Just get a damn ambulance here." Axel glared past the blondes head at the growing puddle of blood.

"The ambulance is on its way sir. Can I get the victims name?"

"Roxas Oblivion."

"Alright sir, would you like me to stay on the line with you until they arrive?"

"No, I've got this... I-I have basic medical knowledge. Bye." Axel hung up and moved his free hand to his belt. He pulled the leather from its loops around his waist and moved it around Roxas' thigh.

"Ax-Ax... Shit, it hurts he-he came out of nowhere. I-I tried to-"

"It doesn't matter Roxas. Just calm down, your pumping too much blood." His mind kept saying he was loosing too much blood but he just kept his mouth shut as he tried to not think about Roxas laying on the ground bleeding.

"A-Axe, I'm-m scared. I-I don't wann-na die." Axel gave the blonde a soft smile and ran his hand through damp hair. Roxas was crying his free hand that wasn't holding his neck grabbing the red heads jacket. "A-Ax, p-please don-don't leave me. I-I dont wanna-"

"Your fine Rox." Axel didn't know how true it was he just knew he had to keep Roxas calm so his heart didn't speed up again. "You'll be fine. There's nothing wrong. You're perfectly fine." Axel ran his hand down Roxas' face, trying to keep his calm as he took over keeping pressure on the cut on Roxas' neck.

Axel held the tears inside, fighting against the want and need to let them fall because of his heart ripping itself out of his chest. "Ax-Axel. I want t-to be held."

Axel chocked on his tears as he tightened his grip around the blonde. "I-I am holding you Rox. I won't let go, I promise." He pressed trembling lips to the blondes forehead, scared beyond belief as Roxas continued gasping.

"I-I d-d-don't want to die Axel. I'm scared." Axel shook his head, trying to show the blonde he was fine despite the immense amount of blood that was gathering on the floor around them. "T-tell me again, that-that story of falling in-in love with me." Axel cleared a tear from the others eye and nod his head, his throat closing up around the words he was going to tell the blonde.

"Well it all started when I tripped over you, you damn clutz. I kinda just fell over onto the floor and I was all short with you because you we're so cute and I just didn't know how to talk to you. When we became friends I couldn't believe my luck. I got to look at you every day without much question, I was allowed to joke and flirt with you all the time. Then slowly I finally began realizing that I liked you as so much more then just a friend.

"I began to fall in love with the idea of laying in bed at night with you in my arms, the thought of your head on my shoulder just listening to you breathing, I fell in love with your eyes first, then your smile and personality, from there all the feelings just grew mo and more.

"It took me a long time to tell you how I felt, I had to make sure you liked guys first and that there were at least signs that you liked me back. I walked up to you at lunch and just pulled you into the parking lot by my car where I told you everything. The effects you have on me, the dreams I had at night of smiling with you, holding you, kissing you.

"Heh, your face went so red that I thought you'd burst. You just stuttered out- and I quote: 'Axel, you big asshole. It took you long enough.' I didn't know if I should have been horrified or happy. I kissed your cheek and it took me weeks to build up enough guts to kiss you on the lips..." Axel trailed off, looking at the blondes face with a light smile at the memories, but he'd been expecting the big blue eyes he was in love with to be looking up at him.

Nothing was rig about the situation and Axels eyes turned huge as he shook the blonde a little. "Roxas?" There was no response. "Roxas wake up, oh god Roxas, wake up!" Axel felt his chest getting tighter and tighter as Roxas didn't respond.

The hand on the blondes pulse felt nothing and he started shivering, he didn't know what to do. His mind was blanking and he didn't know what to do because he only knew animal biology and he could do nothing to ensure the blonde came back. Tears began freely streaming down his face and he curled over the crumpled body crying his heart out as his body began rocking back and forth.

He could feel that familiar feeling of his heart beating too quickly, it was a feeling he knew well from knowing the blonde and being in love with him. There was the familiar fluttering feeling, but instead of butterflies it was far more like bats and the creepiest crawling animals crawling over his heart and out of his chest.

"You said you'd always be there for me." It hurt, he couldn't help but use the line from the blondes favourite movie as his heart ripped into millions of pieces. His tears fell on the blonde as he rocked back and forth, nothing pretty or sexy about his all out sobbing face. His mouth was held open as he wailed in agony, his nose running from the tears and his eyes already red and puffy as he buried his face in the blondes chest.

He was in so much agony, his world had just shattered in his arms and the stupid fucking ambulance want there yet. He wanted so badly to have his Roxas look up at him and smile, saying he just lost consciousness. Anything, anything would be better then Roxas never opening his beautiful eyes again. His world was spinning out of control and he couldn't even think of moving or doing anything. His heart felt like it was being ripped out and then frozen, and just for good measure it was thrust back into his chest just so he could feel it.

The door was knocked open and Axel didn't even realize until the paramedics were trying to pull him off that they'd even arrived. "Sir, sir are you the one who was on the phone?" Axel nod his head, keeping his grip on Roxas and looked up at the digital clock and calendar; 12:13 August 13th. It had been ten minutes, ten minutes since Roxas had stopped living.

With an even harsher crushing feeling Axel curled up with the blonde in the crook of his body and whispered into the blondes chest a sobbed and broken; "Happy wedding day, my groom."


	2. Chapter 2

**Don't bring it up, Please**

Axel let out a sigh, the breath choppy and shaken as he tried to hold himself together. The last few days had been hell for him and he wasn't keen on speaking with anyone, he'd virtually been mute aside from monotonously telling the police about what was taken and giving the harsh news to the few people he had to in a monotone, broken voice that screamed to all hours and hours of crying and screaming.

He had spent the night not knowing what to do, the paramedics insisted upon Axel leaving his body alone but he just couldn't, he could set Roxas down how he'd found him and then be taken out of the room. He managed to place Roxas down on the kitchen floor, not setting him down as he'd found him and he moved to the side, tears still staining his cheeks as he watched everyone's movements around the blonde.

_He was akin to a god to the red head and should be treated as such. As the paramedics came back with a body bag Axel insist on placing Roxas inside himself, passing a tender kiss to his blondes forehead as the thick black zipper was pulled up over the blondes soft, tear stained face. Axel wasn't sure if it was his tears or the blondes, but he refused to let any more tears fall before the strangers mulling about his apartment, asking him if anything was missing._

_It was only his bad luck that the blondes brothers had shown up after the police left the scene and he was climbing into the back of the ambulance to travel to the morgue with his fiancé, not wanting him to be alone. Sora had demand the car stop in front of the ambulance and rushed around to the red head._

_Axel could say nothing, he couldn't even look at Sora. He was less then nine hours from vowing to protect the blonde from every danger in the world and he'd let this happen. _

_"Axel, Axel O'Riley you tell me-tell me this instant where my brother is." Axel could tell Sora knew and that holding it in wouldn't make the pain go away. He couldn't look the brunette in the face however. He couldn't see the pure pain and sadness in watering azure eyes. "Axel, where is he? Where is my brother?!" Sora's eyes had caught the black bag the size of a grown man and Axel could feel the coil in his chest tightening as tears began to come to the bright blue eyes so much like his loves._

_It didn't take long for Roxas' identical twin to come around to the back of the ambulance and look at Axel and the blubbering brunette, but when his eyes fell on the body bag beside the red head Axel could feel the betrayal inside them. Screaming at him _'I trusted you. I trusted you to protect him and this is how you repay me.'

_Both brothers broke down into heavy tears and Axel looked away from them, unable to even cry in front of the two other people in the world he let down more then Roxas himself. They said if he ever hurt Roxas they'd kill him, but they could be assured that just knowing Roxas was never coming back hurt more then anything he'd ever felt before._

_"I'll call Demyx and tell him you guys are coming over for the night. I've got everything for tomorrow covered, but I can't go to the hall and tell those I can't contact tonight..." Axel looked into the back of the ambulance, the sympathetic driver looking at him through the wide rear view mirror. "I can't leave him." He fought to hold the tears in, having already shed too many that night for his liking,_

_Neither brother said anything as the twin and elder brother did their best to consol each other. Axel turned from the two he was sure hated him and climbed into the back of the large white vehicle._

_During the ride he made the calls, simply stating the wedding had been cancelled and giving no further details, he couldn't say it out loud. He called Demyx and told him to pick up the distressed Oblivion brothers and gave a simple 'Roxas was murdered' as the only explanation before hanging up, his throat constricting around the words._

_Axel spent the night sitting in the morgue, speaking with the autopsy doctor about if Roxas was against an autopsy and Axel stated he was since their own kitchen knife had been used and the police had it with them. He gave the man permission to check the blondes finger nails and also said their cat may have evidence on him, but refused to let his blonde to be cut into._

_The phone calls were the worst, two hundred calls in one night, the first for Roxas' parents where he allowed himself to go through another bout of tears and sobbing._

_By morning Axel was a nervous wreck and he couldn't imagine getting through his day, his hands were shaking and his stomach hurt. His wrists burned where he'd long ago burned his own wrist in his depression. Acid green eyes narrowed as he looked at the circular burns, an area the blonde had once touched and kissed with affection. His other hand came up subconsciously and he began scratching at his arm, every pass becoming more and more fierce._

_Tears burned his eyes as his skin was ripped and scratched raw, he only stopped as thin arms enveloped him. For a minute he thought it was Roxas, his heart was begging for it to be Roxas and that it was all just a dream, that he'd fallen asleep in his car before actually leaving and Roxas had found him there the morning of their wedding day. With a goofy smile, telling him he was such a goof._

_"Axel, it's okay. It's not your fault. Don't do that." The voice was different and some of the hair against his chest was brown. It took his a moment to realize it was Ventus and Sora, Roxas' brothers. Demyx was standing in the doorway and Axel turned the two from their brothers body, the body he'd been unable to leave. "Axel, Axel, please don't hurt yourself." He caught their crying and realized hat they must have been watching for a couple minutes._

_"Who-who's at the-"_

_"Everyone's already gone Ax. I dealt with it for you. Only a few people showed up, some just said it was a shame the wedding was cancelled. Uh, I didn't know what to do with the food though, so it's still at the hall."_

_"It can go to the soup kitchen. I'll order fresh food for the..." He couldn't finish._

_"Oh Axel! You don't have to worry about that! Ven and I have-"_

_"No, please let me do this." Axel looked down at the two, his eyes red and swollen. "I couldn't protect him, or kill the bastard that did this to him." Axel put his head into Ventus' hair, trying to get a sense of familiarity from his dearly beloved's twin. _

_"Axel, it wasn't your fault." Demyx stepped forward and ran his fingers through Axel's hair, doing his best to make the red head feel better. "Ax, you have to get out of here though. It smells bad, bringing you down." Axel shook his head, giving none of them a good reason but that he didn't want Roxas to be alone._

_"Axel, honey," it was Soras sympathetic voice. "He's gone. You sitting beside an empty shell won't do him any good now. Come with us to get some food alright? Demyx said he'd stay here with him."_

_"Why bother with an empty shell if that's what you think?" Axels tone was bitter and he wanted to take it back, but he couldn't and the urge went away quickly._

_"Axel, please. Come with us and get something to eat. I'm begging you." Axel shook his head at Ventus, knowing the blonde might use his appearance to get him to do something._

_"I'm not hungry." The red head crossed his arms on his chest and shook his head, trying to get the others to leave him alone. "I have a funeral to plan." His voice was venomous and he couldn't, just couldn't look at the others._

Axel was brought back to the present as someone touched his shoulder. He looked around and noticed that he'd missed his turn to speak, he could feel the fresh tear marks on his face and assumed that they'd taken his crying as the moment of silence he hadn't broken since stepping foot into the funeral home that morning beside Roxas' casket.

Another hand came down on his shoulder, this time Ventus and Sora, motioning for Axel to leave because they were going to open the casket and they all knew Axel couldn't take it. All the blood cleaned from the others body and tear tracks removed with the wet wash Axel had watched the mortician use. He couldn't stand even thinking of seeing a sleeping Roxas after hat horror. If he never saw the blonde again he'd be fine, no he wouldn't be. No matter how torn he was he was lead outside into the crisp mountain air of the backwater hills where Axel had given Roxas his plot, directly beside he new one he'd bought from his father. It was in a section of the grave yard in old Radiant Garden where his family had half the plots under their name. Roxas was a small speck of Oblivion in a sea of O'Riley, it was the best they could do with such short notice though, Roxas had never thought of a plot and in all reality he would have got the plot beside him anyways because if fate had been kinder he'd have become an O'Riley himself.

Axel couldn't help but thank the family for allowing him to do something so meaningful to him. Even thought he couldn't yet voice his gratitude he hoped they saw it in his eyes when they said he could put Roxas there.

Fresh tears were streaming down the red heads face and Sora couldn't take it any longer. Axel was his friend and in pain."Axel-"

"I don't want to live. Sora it hurts." Axel leaned over and put his head on the brunettes shoulder, his eyes so dry from tears that he could feel nothing but a burning sensation behind his eyes. "I can't do it without him." Sora didn't know what to say, he didn't know what to do to make Axel see the world still needed him and that Roxas wouldn't want him to give up.

"Ax-" the red head shook his head and all the words either brother said we're drown out as his mind swam in turmoil over the course of action to take. The rest of the funeral Axel stood beside the tightly closed coffin; just before it closed he'd rushed inside and slipped the two rings onto Roxas' middle and ring fingers, his own hands shaking as everyone watched him place he rings and as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the cold stiff skin of Roxas' forehead. Fighting back the fresh tears he could no longer hold back.

The crowd began to dwindle, the fresh food Axel bought almost all gone and the sullen guests giving their last condolences as Axel stood like a statue beside the casket. He refused to speak yet again.

"Axel, you should come with us... They're not going to burry him until tomorrow, so-"

"I'm staying. I-I want to spend the last night with him." Fresh tears came to Axels eyes, thinking back to the night before the tragedy when he'd come home late and had slept on the couch. Ensuring to not wake Roxas since the blonde was going to classes and then his final tuxedo fitting. It had been an all white tuxedo with gold and teal accents, the two colours agreed upon because it was a perfect shade if they mixed their eye colour.

The next morning Roxas had been gone to classes by the time the red head woke up, a note taped to the fridge for Axel to give him a call between classes and that he loved him. Axel had taken the cute letter the blonde had written him one morning expressing his love and had put it in his breast pocket to keep the blondes words with him.

"Axel, he wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. You haven't eaten and I saw the fresh-" Demyx was cut off.

"I don't care, Demyx! I don't give a damn about anything anymore! He was everything to me and now look! I couldn't protect him and he's going to be buried six feet under tomorrow because of me!" The room stopped and the few people left turned to Axel with their pitying looks. "I don't need your pity either!" He screamed at the few people who'd turned. "I don't need any-any of you! I just-I just need my Cup Cake back." Axel was crushed into a new bout of tears as he fell to the ground, holding his stomach. Curling in upon himself as he tried to claw through his annoying suit that was supposed to be for his wedding day. Plane black but fancy enough that Roxas thought it looked perfectly simple.

"Axel! Axel stop it!" Sora and Ventus moved to stop the red head but he pushed them away, fresh tears he didn't know he had surfacing and rushing down his face.

"I want him back. Oh god do I want him back. I'd-I'd do anything."

The few people still in the funeral home were ushered out by an apologizing Demyx until he moved back over and sat in the chair beside where Axel had fallen, crossing his arms over his chest. /'oh god Rox, see what you left me to clean up?/ his own thought a little bitter as he did his best to not cry at his broken and crumpled best friend.

"Guys, is alright. I've got this tonight. Axel and I can hold down the fort for tonight. Will you be back in the morning, or not?" Demyx looked at the two who weren't showing how broken they felt, they hadn't been overly close with the blonde since a fight when they were in high school, but they had been doing their best to get close to him again.

"Of course. We'll see you both in the morning." Demyx nod his head and allowed the two brothers to clap his shoulder on their way out, Demyx knew he had a long night ahead of him, but he had to be there for Axel.

Axel hadn't slept, he saw no need to sleep he sat down on the ground in front of the casket with his head leaning back against the black painted wood as tears spilled whenever his body had water to spare since all he'd consumed since his blondes death had been water. Nothing but water and maybe a wink of sleep while sitting up or even zoning out completely as he stood.

There was a pile of cigarette butts on the ground beside him when Demyx woke, ignoring the fact and deciding he wouldn't tell the red head off for smoking inside a building.

Deep purple rings were under Axels eyes and his cheeks looked sunken. The suit that had fit him well four days prior for the wedding looked half a stitch too big and after the night of moping in it he knew he'd burn it as soon as he got home.

Axel and Demyx sat in silence for hours until Sora and Ventus walked into the building accompanied by the man who'd spent he better part of the morning preparing the freshly dug grave to lower the casket inside. Axel ignored the man as he spoke with the brothers about the arrangements.

The red head got up and followed the casket out into the crisp morning air. He followed them all to the plot of land and his eyes fell on the stone at the head of the double plot. Roxas' full name was scrawled in elegant deep letters that would last years of weathering proudly above the years he'd lived and the kind inscription Axel paid extra for:

'_I was the light of your fire_

_You were the shadow who held me_

_One dark night there was a storm_

_And the cruel wind killed me'_

Axel shook his head, trying his hardest to not break down into tears as Roxas' casket was lowered. Ventus an Sora were crying, Demyx being the shoulder to cry on as Axel stood with his hands in his pockets, gently fingering the lighter the blonde had given him so many years ago as a gift.

Even once the ground was covered and a fresh mound of dirt lay piled on the ground Sora and Ventus couldn't take it so Demyx decided to drive them home.

Axel stayed, being unable to move his feet from the side of Roxas' plot of land, where he himself would one day lay buried beside his beautiful blonde.

"I'm sorry Roxas. I-I tried so hard for this to be a celebration of your life. I tried so fucking hard to make you happy, so-so you'd be proud of how I'm doing. But I'm not, I'm not doing okay. I miss you, oh so much Roxas. I-I can't eat, I can't sleep. It hurts to breathe. It's like razor blades." Axel began hyperventilating, more tears he didn't know where they'd come from formed rivulets. "Roxas, I want you back. I don't want to do this without you. We were supposed to do this together, supposed to travel through life hand in hand." He felt his legs giving out and sat down, his knees up to his chest as he hid his head in the crook of his body.

Sobs were once again ripping from him, making his throat raw and his nose run as he snuffled and cried beside the mound of freshly placed dirt. His bright green eyes were bleary and he couldn't help but rock back and forth. "I don't want to go home, I don't want to pick up my violin. None of it will make it better! Nothing makes it better!" Sorrow fuelled rage was coming over him but he no longer cared. "I want to die Roxas! Please, please tell me what to do. It hurts, every beat of my heart hurts because it beat for you."

Axel began rocking as the cold winds began bringing clouds overhead and he ignored the weather as rain started pelting him. He didn't care if he got sick, he didn't care if some psychopath came out of he woods and killed him. Nothing would make him more happy than to be placed in the dirt beside his beloved Roxas.

"Always for you. It, it beat only for you." His chest felt tight, tighter then it had those last four days as rain pelt him. The familiar rain from his childhood of playing with his friends in the fields only a couple miles away making his chest burn and throb with pain.

"You were my dream."


	3. Chapter 3

**Why is this Happening?**

The head of bright red hair knew nothing, he could feel nothing as he looked straight forward, his eyes blurry and barely able to see his surroundings as he cried. Nothing but thick tears that once again wouldn't stop.

_Demyx had to do the right thing and come back, the minute Axel didn't pick up his phone he thought the worst and sped back to the cemetery to find Axel laying beside the mound of freshly turned mud. Rain was still pouring and the red head had a clump of mud in his hand as he lay on the ground, passed out from exhaustion._

_It took Demyx five minutes to find the grounds keeper and get the man to help him get the red head back to his car, making a mental note to ask Sora and Ventus to come back and get the red heads Saturn._

_Once back at the musicians apartment Axel was conscious enough to follow Demyx inside and to fall down on the couch. Still without tears to shed Axel allowed his mind to go blank, not falling asleep and not answering the blondes questions that he barely even heard. Demyx tried over and over to get the red head to say something, to move, to get pissed and start screaming and crying. He wanted everything but the blank stare._

_"Common Ax, please do something! I can't stand this silence anymore!" The dirty blonde was getting frustrated with the other and he was about to take desperate actions to get Axel to just respond, "I don't fucking know if you can hear me or not Ax, but Ven and Sora are coming over. And if Ven's got to snap this out of you the hard way then so fucking be it."_

_Axel made no recognition of the other, a single blink was the best he got. Part of him wanted to watch the break down, wanted to have Axel crying and screaming in pain and clutching his chest and torso. He wanted to see him broken. Then on the other hand he wanted Axel to be fine again and wanted to see his best friend move on and get past the pain and anguish._

_Demyx was more then happy as he opened the door to both Sora and Ventus, he had no option but to call the others over, he was starting to get depressed only being around the red head. He gave the brothers a hug each and lead them into the living room where Axel was sitting, his eyes trained on the floor._

_Axel couldn't look up, he knew what await him if he were to look up from the floor, he'd see Ventus. Before his loves death it would have taken much convincing to see Ventus as Roxas and vies versa, but his eyes had been so deprived of Roxas that he was sure he'd break down into more tears._

_"Get up you lazy asshole." His left foot was kicked and he stood up,everyone jumping back from the man who'd been motionless for so long. Anger flared in him before it was extinguished. All cause for a fight simply gone from him. "Axel O'Riley, how dare you do this to yourself. How long has it been since you've eaten? You look like an even thinner stick." Ventus knew it was why Demyx had asked them over, to slap the red head around and get him back into some form of normalcy without their brother around._

_Axel stopped and the room with him. His eyes were locked with Ventus' for a moment, no one knew if he was going to explode in rage or if he'd break down into tears. None of them were expecting the action they got. Letting out a light sigh Axel ruffled the blondes hair and stuffed his free hand into his pocket. "Fine, I'm going home to get a shower. I'll uh, see you guys around."_

_None of them seemed to get the sudden blank expression as Axel moved to leave. They all just watched him as he collect his keys and jacket, beginning a long walk back to their condo. He got outside and as soon as the cold air hit him Axel let out a shaky breath, his mind never leaving the thought of Roxas._

_'_I can pretend... No one has to know I'm not alright. They'll never ask, they'll just see me on the mend. No one has to know I want to die.'_ The red head grabbed his lighter from his pocket and quickly put it back, he couldn't face the gift from the blonde. He wasn't a fan of heading home, he didn't even think home was a word he could use for the building any more._

_He saw his car parked in the car port and glared at it, his mind souring at all the good times he'd spent behind the wheel with Roxas beside him. The blonde had learned to drive his car just in case there were emergencies and he didn't even want to look at the blondes mini electric car he'd have to sell now._

_Long fingers practiced from years of fine violin playing and even more delicate surgical operations on animals were shaking as he held his keys. The police tape was gone, but he could feel the coldness through the thick wooden door; unwelcoming and unforgiving. His breath was quivering as he turned the key and slipped inside._

_The blondes cat was still with Sora and Ventus, Axel loved the cat of course, but he had been too numb to know what was happening and he couldn't take care of himself let alone another living creature. He got inside the door and pushed his back against it, he'd noticed his neighbours staring of course, their eyes drilling into the back of his bright red hair. They gave him pity filled looks as he steeled his face until he was in the door._

_He pushed his back against the wooden door and let out a sigh, his eyes closed as he did his best to not think of his blonde that the condo would remind him of. They had spent almost a year looking or the perfect place, Roxas saying one place wasn't good enough or that something was just wrong with the layout. Axel opened his eyes and walked up the steps, shivering now that eternal heat was gone._

_Axel shivered as he walked up the stairs. Trying his best to not think about the last time he'd done so to find the blonde in the kitchen on the floor. His heart hammering in his chest and his emotions were beginning to show on his face as he reached the top of the stairs. Roxas had been right there, just a few feet to the left where all the blood had been cleaned up it didn't even hit him that it was early morning until he took his eyes from the spot where he'd been crying with his blonde to the clock hanging on the wall._

_'_I guess I should do something.' _he turn towards the living room but all he saw was him and Roxas cuddling on the couch, the blonde laying on his chest and toying with the strands on his hair that he could reach as he slept or rubbed the blondes back, while one of their favourite movies played on the TV. He wasn't sure how many times soft touching and gentile moments turned into sweet love or heated bliss if they were too impatient for waiting._

_The tightness came back to his chest and Axel looked away from the living room, closing his eyes as he saw the picture wall they'd made, pictures of him and his blonde at prom, them sleeping together, out at the park, the zoo or the aquarium. The pictures of them kissing were hard for Axel to look at and he turned away, tears stinging his dried eyes._

_Everything he saw reminded him of his beloved blonde, the way Roxas would whisper loving words in his sleep when Axel climbed into bed after a long shift, or how when he would give the blonde a hug from behind his cheeks would flush as their bodies melded together._

_ He could feel the lump in this throat return and the annoying thump of his heart was quick if not dulled in tone. The room began to blur and he shut his eyes tightly, refusing to allow the tears to fall as he turned towards the stairs, not needing sight to know where he was going._

'How many times did I stumble up these steps with him in my arms sleeping? With his lips pressed against mine and his hands groping me? How many nights did I stumble upstairs after a late surgery to...to kiss him goodnight?'_ Axel paused, at the top of the stairs already, his hand shaking as he reached for the handle. He blinked, the tears once again staining his cheeks and his upside down triangles that more resembled tear drops._

'Wh-what am I supposed to do now? How-how am I supposed to do this?'_ He leaned forwards until his head pressed against the cold wood of their bedroom door and he spent a moment crying, trying to fill the gaping hole in his chest with memories and happy thoughts of his other half. It hurt too much though, thinking of the last time they'd spent the night together in that room. They had made sweet love in celebration of their upcoming nuptials, the blondes face had been so sweet and his reactions worth every moment of the teasing._

_His fingers tightened and he felt his hand turning before he stopped, he couldn't do it. The clenching of his stomach was too strong and it hurt too much, everything hurt so much. _'I don't want to do this! I was never supposed to have to do this!'

_"HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT HIM!?" He didn't care if his neighbours could hear his scream, his legs gave out from under him and he collapsed into a ball on the floor of the hallway. His arms moved around his much smaller waist then he'd had when his love had been alive. He reached up into his hair and he gripped the red locks, tugging the thick, oily strands as he cried._

_The shocks of pain brought him back to those few times long ago where he'd used pain to ignore the world and emotional pain. To help him cope with pain. He moved his hands from his hair and looked at his left wrist, eyeing the scars from the razor and the scars from the many cigarettes. Fire had become his preferred choice once he found pain as an escape, his natural love for heat and flames fuelled the need._

_However, Roxas had helped him through it, his dear love had kissed the marks and told him it'd be okay... Well what would he say now? _Would he be proud that I've done this? That I'm this fucking pathetic and weak?' _Axel used his right hand and pulled his nails down the soft inside of his wrist, once bandaged and kissed better. He repeat the action until he could see new blood forming where his nails had gripped the scar tissue and had ripped it._

_The burst of pain ran up his arm in a once familiar sting and he hissed appreciatively. The red head closed his eyes in bliss and let his head drop to the side, his temple against the cold carpeted floor as blood began to bead and drip. The drips became faster as he continued scratching, blood covering the fingers of his right hand as he scratched and got stuck under his finger nails. His tears had moved sideways across his nose and stung his second eye before slipping to his temple and into his darkened red locks._

_Axel stayed like that for several minutes, his eyes opening and closing slowly as the pain ebbed to the familiar dull throb that had gotten him through hard times before. He took deep breaths and pushed himself up off the floor, he didn't want to be in the apartment, he didn't want to be reminded of his love. It hurt to move and it pained him to open his eyes as he stood and moved shakily towards the staircase._

_His left foot slipped and Axel fell down the flight of fifteen stairs, toppling his head over his feet and slamming his shoulder into edges and he was sure he heard a popping sound. He hissed once again and lay at the bottom of the stairs, his vision crossing and his head spinning from the bangs it had received on his descent._

_It took the red head a few moments to get his bearings again before he got up and stumbled to the second set of stairs that lead to the front door, managing not to fall down._

That's how he had gotten where he was, he'd slipped into his car and driven, aimlessly wondering if he'd come across the hospital for his dislocated shoulder or a good bridge he could drive off. His mind was more then foggy as he had broken into the high school, he didn't know if he'd used the main entrance or the stupid teachers window on the second floor they always kept unlocked.

His heavy boots made thick clopping sounds as he moved through the pitch black hallways and classrooms, remembering hearing his delightful blondes laughter like he had so many times in the building. He stopped just outside the music rooms first door, his breathing heavy as he looked at the spot he had met Roxas. The chance meeting having caused a beautiful love to flourish.

His wrist was still bleeding, his blood too thin and malnourished to clot correctly as he stepped up to the spot and knelt like he had to check the blonde over. He leant down and curled up in a ball on the spot, his bleeding wrist clenched to his chest as he let fresh tears fall. He didn't care if some student found him in the morning or the janitor before them. He no longer cared if he live through the night or died so he could be buried beside his beloved groom.

"Roxas, why-why did this happen? I-I can't-can't be made to live like you-you never existed. You're the only one who-who made me feel... like I had a heart. I can't I just- I just can't." More sobs wracked his body, his mouth open in silent screams as he whimpered and begged his heart to stop hurting. "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU HERE!"

The red head passed out , laying curled up in a small ball on the floor. His form hidden between two sets of doors that worked to sound proof the music room he'd spent so much time in, it was the beginning and he figured it might as well be their end too. He was ready, he had nothing left to live for, there was nothing for him if there wasn't a blonde to wake up to and to lavish his affection on. It was his fault because he'd stayed late and he hadn't gone home sooner. If he'd been home earlier, if only those stupid ten minutes for daydreaming he took he could have saved his life, his heart, his love.

He woke up whimpering, light just beginning to break through the glass panes on the top of the door coming from the large bay windows just outside the music rooms first door, near the cafeteria where natural lit flooded in the early morning. His head was spinning, but he was sure the voice he heard, was his beloved Roxas.

_"Axel, I'm so sorry I left you. You probably don't know how sorry I am. Please, for the love of everything, don't blame yourself. It wasn't anyone's fault. I hate seeing you in so much pain and you don't know how much it hurts to know I'm the cause of it. If I could, I'd come back and take it all away. Axel, I love you so much. So much that it hurts too much to see you like this. Please, don't do anything rash. I want to see you live and be happy, even if I'm not there with you. Please, Axel. Move on."_

His lip began to quiver again and he shook with the need to cry, feeling his heart shatter into millions of pieces. It could be Ventus playing a more then cruel trick on him. But he didn't care, he wanted to be with his blonde, but could he refuse a request from his love? Could he ever refuse something his love wanted, especially now that it was a last request?

His arms tightened around his torso and he shook with more tears. He knew he should leave the school, that the janitors would be coming, but his hearts was in so many fragments that he didn't know where to go or what to do.

Roxas had given him one final request, and he had never not said yes to the blonde. He had gone to the ends of the earth and back to make the blonde happy and now the blondes last request was to not follow him, to live with his broken heart and try to mend it. To know that the blonde would come back if he could, thinking of those small arms wrapped around him and the familiar soft face buried in his neck as they cried through whatever powerful emotions there were.

His body began to rock with the memory, his raw throat humming along to their song as he tried to piece together what Roxas would want, what his heart wanted and what his body was capable of. He didn't know if he was strong enough to gain the weight back, or if he could pull himself together enough to simply not die from grief. He wanted so deeply to simply slip away, he wanted to vanish from the world and become a mound in the ground beside his dear blonde.

'_He's all alone, he's-he's in the dark all alone. I-I've never let him be lost before... I've always found him... I've always brought him back! Why, why does it have to be like this?'_

"WHY CAN'T I BRING YOU BACK?!" His hands gripped his chest as he began tasting bile in his throat, his stomach began dry heaving as he cried and screamed. "I'D ALWAYS BE THERE TO BRING YOU BACK! I promised..." His voice broke with his throat and he put his burning forehead against the cold tiled floor.

"Just take me... God I've never prayed before, but please. Take me to my love. I can't do this." His stomach gave a sharp shoot of pain and he felt his stomach dry heave again, when his bleary eyes opened he could see red beneath him and could taste the blood in his mouth when he tried to swallow it back through his shuddering breaths and his quivering lip.

"Thank you- thank you... I just-" Another bout of coughing up blood and heaving. "I'll see you in the... next life."

**AN:**

Thank you all so much for reading, I hope you all really enjoyed this story. But this is the end. This story has given me so many emotions while writing and there were even times I broke down into tears. I hope that in some way this story has touched you as readers and I'd love to hear what you think of it. Please review if you liked it, it means a lot.


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